Alright, here we go.
She had been battling with diabetes for a while and then cancer came along. She was receiving treatment- going through chemotherapy, and she started reacting to treatment. It was killing her slowly. So as a last resort we flew her to India for treatment and that was where she passed. According to the doctor she was already dead on arrival she was just really fighting to stay alive. I was 18 when I lost my mom.
My favourite memory or memories are the smiles she always had on her face even when she was in so much pain. She was always smiling…
I was very close to my mother, we talked about almost everything. She was very open and honest, ever advising my siblings and me on any issue pertaining to life. When I face anything now I can remember something she said about it and stay strong. She always laughs and made us laugh; she had some funny dance moves guess that’s where my goofy side comes from.
There’s too much to say about our relationship, I would probably have to write a book. I remember her always praying for us. She was the most supportive and encouraging human being I have ever met in my life. She never talked me down even when I failed, but always told me I could do better.
I regret those times I disobeyed her, I was very stubborn and my favourite words were “I’m sorry” cause I was always doing one naughty thing after another. I regret not spending more time with her, I regret not doing enough to help her especially when she needed me… I regret those times I wasn’t honest with her even though I know that would have helped, I have too many regrets … can’t mention them all.
It was HARD! Really hard… but it was a healing process and I had to take it one day at a time… actually I still am. I miss her every day, I had heard of people losing a parent but I never imagined it could happen to me, it still feels like a dream… but my mother did a great job in bringing us up to depend on God.. Her motto was “in GOD we trust” so God helped me a lot, the Holy Spirit truly is the greatest comforter ever. I remember after praying I would feel so light, like all the burden has been lifted, every time I prayed I told God exactly how I felt , didn’t hide anything , crying helped a lot, plus I just focused on the positives of when she was alive so it doesn’t hurt as much anymore, she was a very strong woman so I focus on being strong for her too cause I know that’s what she would want, and when you have faith filled, hard core, hilarious siblings, not to mention a really amazing dad how can you be sad? They are all I have now in this world, so we strengthen each other and stand by each other no matter what.
We had lots of memories … I remember when she was sick to the point where she could no longer bath herself, so I had to bathe her. One time after I had finished bathing her, she hugged me and apologized for taking my holiday away. I could see in her eyes how badly she wished she wasn’t so helpless.
I remember how dad used to rub and kiss her bald head after she had lost all her hair while going through chemo, that made me laugh mehn, but at the same time I admired the love between the both of them, I remember how we would have dance nights in the living room and mum would do her interesting dance moves and dad had this black shoes he would wear specially so he could do the moon walk. Very funny couple, those were good times.
I had a lot of support from my dad and siblings; everyone was so strong it was even hard to cry in their presence… I guess we were all just really consoled by the fact that our mother was saved and so there was no need to cry because she was happy where she was resting in Gods bossom. My fellowship and church in school also helped me with moving on, many happy people who focus on the positives so I was never reminded of what had happened. My roommates then were amazing, so many amazing friends of mine then helped me move on, those who constantly stayed close to me to keep me company so I wasn’t alone to think about what had happened… I really am grateful to God for their lives.
A lot of things changed for me when I tried to get back to normal, things are still changing though. I became stronger, more alert, more prayerful, sometimes I have mood swings, became a clean freak like my mum, I became more concerned about my health and that of my family, I don’t trust people as easily as I used to… so many changes but my most appreciated change is how much faith I have now unlike before.
To all those who helped me move on, God bless you all I truly am grateful and I am sorry about those times I avoided you cause I just wanted to be alone and cry.
I remember at that time I lost my mum, after the burial me, my elder sister and some of my friends would just be making up random funny songs while one of us played the guitar and we would laugh a lot while making fun of each other too. At home with my family, my sisters would get hyper doing some funny dance steps, making noise, making funny faces, singing random typical Igbo music with that igbotic voice texture and all, just cracking ourselves up the whole time.
My mom was a clean freak! She loved it when everywhere was squeaky clean and tidy. She didn’t like it when we complained or didn’t do what she asked us to do. Even then she wouldn’t beat us or anything, that is, unless we really deserved it after which she would let us know why she beat us. She didn’t yell often either but she had punchlines like “God knows I have told you”. She could quote scriptures for days like “Children obey your parents in the Lord”.
Music was my escape most of the time, still is… I would spend hours listening to music and singing when I’m alone. Even before joining a choir or coming out with it in church, music had always been a way for me to get out of whatever negative feeling I may have. Also praying and studying Gods word helped me find a lot of peace. I believe that what you believe in or tell yourself each day starts to act out in your life physically, so if you focus on being sad, you’ll become depressed eventually, so I just chose to move on and be thankful that my mother was in Christ, not that it was easy but one step at a time.. Everyone’s’ healing time is different.
If you are struggling with loss it is not the end of the world. Cry if you have to, let it out, it helps, but doesn’t mean you should be crying everywhere and causing a scene though. I’ve realized crying helps ease a lot of stress, anxiety, and mixed feelings bottled up inside that you are trying to get out. Just let your body naturally help you release all that. Whoever you lost wants you to be happy and not sad all the time so you need to constantly remind yourself of that, no matter how close the person was to you, you don’t need to feel any guilt. Death is something that must happen to every human being, unfortunately some happen earlier than others. It wasn’t your fault the person died. Pray as much as you can, I realized talking to God is much easier than talking to people, people don’t always have the right words to say but God does, though lots of people might find that hard to believe but just give it a try, tell Him exactly how you feel, don’t sugar-coat anything, just let it all out. Avoid being alone all the time, surround yourself with positive people who love you, there’s so much I have to say but just give it some time, as I said initially peoples healing times are different, for some people it’s easy for them to get over hard or difficult events that take place in their lives, for others. It’s a slow process so don’t rush it. No matter what you’ll be fine because at the end of the day it is just a phase.
I’m really grateful for the opportunity to share this experience with the world, thank you so much Eddy, I really hope it blesses and helps anyone struggling with loss.
I blinked back tears several times while reading this. Thank you Dela for sharing your story. You can find out more about Dela on @dela_ogb2 on Instagram and Dela Ogbemudia on Facebook. We would be hearing next from my friend Temidayo.
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Talk to you soon